Parents and children. Issues which will not leave

I really like the phrase famous British scientist Donald Winnicott, the author of books on child care, a specialist in child psychology. He said: "The family - a responsibility, not children, and parents."

And it is important to understand. Children should not be grateful to parents for what they conceived them. They must hope that the conception happened by mutual consent and pleasure. Parents should not expect from children of gratitude for the fact of their existence. Children do not ask to have their birth.



Good parents are actually raising a family and maintain its existence, thereby creating the basis for the care of children and creating the environment in which every child is gradually selects its place and establishes relationships with other people. Parents do not want for it thanks. They received their reward in the process and the sense of gratitude, prefer to see their children grow up, create their own family and become parents. Our happiness - that happiness and health of our children.



But children are entitled to blame us (the parents), if we, breed, not to guarantee them a decent start in life, that is our responsibility.



We know something about why this long and difficult work - the parent work on child-rearing - is worth doing. In essence, we believe that this work provides the only real basis of society. Although, when we raise children, then the least thinking about how someone in the future will create a "cell" of society.

They met on a walk with toddlers, we share his impressions: "My crying all night." "Never mind, after 6 months it will be easier." Or: "The most difficult thing - it is up to 3 years, and after that easier." Often wonder: "Before the year was a good boy. But after a year as phishing, a second on the spot! "



"Up to 12 years wore pigtails and was an excellent student, and now sheer stubbornness, defiance of all". And so on.



In human psychology there is an innate tendency to development, which corresponds to the growth of the organism and the gradual development of its functions. About 6 months the child can sit for about a year - begins to walk, mastering the first two or three words. Also there is a movement and in his emotional development. In the subsequent case of crises age children, from birth and ending with adolescence, although crises occur, and until his retirement.



In this article we will focus on children.



Children from the age change, and we notice it. But we are always ready to accept change and take them? First, try to understand: what is the age crisis?



Assume for the assumptions that the transition from one age to the next stage of development there are critical periods, or crises, when there is destruction of old forms of human relationships with the outside world and a new system of relations that is accompanied by significant psychological difficulties for the individual and his social environment . Indeed, during periods of crisis a person commits an important spiritual work: identify the contradictions between who he really is and those who would like to be, that is, and that he would like to have. During these periods, he begins to realize that some moments in their lives, they overestimated and others underestimated. You may receive a vague sense of what happened to him that something was wrong. And only when a person begins to realize that he needed to change something not in a social environment, and in itself, only then he begins to build a new life on a real basis. <



Emphasis is placed on transitional or critical periods, when for short intervals in the child brings to such changes, which are noticeable to others. This conflicts with relatives, intractable child, as if he falls out of the pedagogical impact.



The essence of each crisis is a choice that people should do. The nature of the choice affects the future of human life: its success or failure. Passing safely through the difficulties of its development, the child as it is tempered, making conclusions chooses. In the conflict with the utmost clarity exposed and emotionally experienced barriers and borders. For example: "I want candy instead of dinner!" We say: "No". The child begins to get angry, we sympathize, but firmly stood his ground. He will try, perhaps more than once "encroaching" on the dinner, but in the end, understand and accept that the candy - this dessert.



Thus, in childhood and adolescence allocate a big crisis (neonatal crisis, the crisis 3 years, adolescence 13-14 years) and small (one-year crisis, the crisis of 7 years, the crisis of 17-18 years).



At large crises rebuilt against a child (or adolescent) and society. Minor crises are outwardly calm and connected with the growth of skills and autonomy rights. During the critical phase of the children intractable, often stubbornness, negativism, obstinacy, disobedience.


What is the crisis of the newborn? The transition from intrauterine life to vneutrobnoy - is first of all, the restructuring of all the physiological mechanisms of the child. He gets into a cold and bright environment, moves to a new form of food and oxygen exchange. What happens requires a period of adaptation. An indication of this adaptation is the loss of a child in weight in the first days after birth. Somewhat less the case with the mechanism of adaptation to cold.



Psychological point of view on the definition of the end of the neonatal period associated with the appearance of the child at least a hint of interaction with adults (1,5-2 months). Expressive sign of this interaction is the appearance of a child's smile at the sight of a human face. Virtually all psychologists agree that the smile on the face of the child is the end of the crisis of the newborn. Further mental development - is, first of all, the development of means of communication with adults. <



How to choose the system for raising babies? In today's world of myriad. Some emphasis is put on early physical development, in others - on the development of intelligence in the third - on aesthetic, etc. Psychologists can not give exact recommendations, but may advise. The first thing to consider when choosing a system of education - is that all babies are different. If a baby is crying, frightened, uncomfortable, never break it, because psyche of the child has a tensile strength, but provoke a failure is easier than to correct it. Second, parents are always useful to ask yourself: "Why am I doing?" And give to this question is accurate, and most importantly, honest answer. If it is necessary in order to show off her friend - "my child in cold running barefoot in the snow" - something about this method of hardening should be forgotten. And third, you should never compare your child with other children. That nothing can be achieved, but to strengthen the complex and entrenched misunderstanding between themselves and their child. <


What is the essence of the crisis 3 years? This is the boundary between early childhood and pre-school - one of the most difficult moments in the life of the child. Here are some important symptoms of this crisis.



Negativism. The child gives a negative reaction than the action itself (remove shoes, for example), which refuses to comply, and the requirement or request of an adult (take off your shoes, please). He does not do something just because it offered him a certain adult. The child ignores the requirement of a family member or a teacher, and other fairly obedient. The main motive for action - to do the opposite. But it is not disobedience. Disobedience is in the younger age

Stubbornness. This is the reaction of the child who insists on something, not because he does really want it, but because he spoke about this to adults and requires that his views were considered. Here is an allocation of the individual and stipulate that this person considered.



Depreciation. The three-year child can begin to curse, throw and even break his favorite toy, the proposal at the time (depreciate the old attachment to things).



Disobedience. It is directed not against a particular adult, but against the accepted norms of behavior in the family (orders). The child wants to do everything himself, but it is the desire not to physical autonomy. A desire for independence intention, design.



The child shows despotism, dictating their behavior. If the family he is one, it shows the despotic power in relation to everything around him. Of course, these manifestations are of varying intensity in different children. Crisis 3 years old - is breaking the relationship that existed until now between the child and adult. This is a crisis of its allocation of "I".


As shown crisis 6-7 years? Its main features are as follows.

- Loss of immediacy (between desire and action is wedged in the experience of what value this action will have on the child)

- Manernichanie (a child is something of a building, hiding something)

- A symptom of "bitter sweets" (the child badly, but he tries not to show it).



Changed relationships with adults, peers, there are reasons of competition, the desire to be first, the changing attitude toward himself, appears self-esteem, a new attitude to success and failure.


Psychological characteristics of adolescence are called "adolescence complex. "Adolescence is a complex" includes:

- Sensitivity to the assessment by outsiders of their appearance and abilities;

- Extreme arrogance and peremptory judgments on others;

- Care sometimes gets on with startling callousness, painful shyness - with ease, the desire to be recognized - with ostentatious independence; struggle with authorities, the generally accepted rules, the deification of random heroes.



Personality development in adolescence is characterized by two contradictory trends. On the one hand established increasingly close contacts (friends, companies, groups), on the other - have increased autonomy, the complication of internal peace. The central issues for the adolescent period becomes

- Why I came in this world, if I made that no one asked?

- Does the this world for me?

- How am I treated others?

- What am I? What can I do? Can you love me? What is the meaning of my life?



Contemplating the problem of parents, resulting in the education of adolescents, we can say that the key to a good, healthy, developing relations can only be a dialogue. Working with adolescents, I often hear: "For me, no one speaks," I have no one to share, and, almost always, "I was not listening." It is very important - be able to simply and bezotsenochno listen, empathize and do not give advice, if requested to do so. And more often to remember myself and not to judge. Then you will earn the trust of their maturing child, and with anxieties and doubts it will come to you.



The ability to easily and deeply dialogue allows a person to understand the world in which it is, enjoy life, take yourself with all the strengths and weaknesses, discover the meaning of their lives, and most importantly - be able to take responsibility for themselves and to share responsibility with other people



So, I wanted to share some knowledge about why the sudden change of our children and what is due. Know - it means to be prepared, not caught by surprise. Surely any questions about what to do, how and what to help the children how to survive himself and not to break the psyche of the child.
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